Dancing Queen

I know I have neglected to write, it has been too long. Real life sometimes has a nasty habit of taking over and I hardly spend any time in cyber anymore. Ok who are you kidding Pinochio, you spend more time chatting on kik messenger then you do talking to reallife people. But I do have such a good excuse, reallife people can’t pretend to be so much more interesting then they really are. They sometimes annoy me to the point I would like to truly scream at them or I space out and hardly hear what they are saying to me.

Today’s song that caught my attention was “Dancing Queen” by ABBA

“Friday night and the lights are low
Looking out for a place to go
Where they play the right music, getting in the swing
You come to look for a King
Anybody could be that guy
Night is young and the music’s high
With a bit of rock music, everything is fine
You’re in the mood for a dance
And when you get the chance”

Tonight I would like to dance like a dancing queen, yes, young and sweet and only seventeen. I can pretend to be, lol.

To my composite man

Dear mister X,

So it took me quite a while to write this. It has been in the making since july the 31st. The day I saw a glimpse of what you could be like. Or differently said how I always pictured you to look like. Long dark hair, radiant smile that can melt my heart instantly. Bright loving eyes and a body like a greek God. Yes you existed and you were even nice to me. You told me love is beautiful and I loved everything about you, but not the fact that you did not love me back. Our connection was brief and only online and so it began snowballing from there. I do not regret going online and following you on facebook and then twitter. It changed my life and I do not know it changed for the better. I just went on twitter to get a glimpse of you, read what you were saying. Never did I intend to meet a second someone to fill the void again and I started to compose my ‘composite man’ in cyberlife. I am such a romantic sucker at heart, still believing in true love and storybook romance. Would it not be utterly romantic and yet so tragic to find you here?

This second man is a poet and writes stunningly beautiful and romantic words. I was so overwhelmed by how his words made me feel. At first I just retweeted his poems and commented on how I loved it so much. He contacted me and we started talking. This twitter connection was something I was new to and it confused me but in the end he is now one of my closest friends here. He became a constant friend who I can reach with the ease of a short message everyday a goodmorning and a goodnight wish. It fills my heart with joy to hear from him even if its just a few words and only online.

Again I was so naive and was approached by what they call a twitter celebrity and another poet, it seemed. Our contact was intense and hit us both like a lightningstrike. As hot and devastating that flash of lightning was, it left me burned to the ground and it was over in what looks like it in just seconds. Not intensionally I again lost my heart to a man I never met in reallife or ever will. I never really knew who he truly was but it felt real and it felt intense to me. And I knew in my heart I belonged to him because he marked my soul. I suspected him to be you. My one, I truly hoped him to be you. Perhaps he could still be.

When he withdrew my composite man was taking on more components. Nice talking everyday to a cyberconnection who answered back and who tells me stories and is so versital because of he exists out of a few men. I crave his attention, his words and funny anecdotes. He makes me feel wanted, appreciated, sexy, worthwhile to be with, intelligent, funny and special. All the things I tell myself I am not in real life because of stupid insecurities and a bad childhood.

I understand that living up to ones ideal of a perfect man is too much for one person. Internet and twitter have made it so much easier now to compose the perfect guy and to interact with you like you truly exist. Its amazing but terrible at the same time. Especially everytime I have to say goodbye to you and when realisation hits me hard knowing you do not truly love me back and I actually not really know the person on the other side of this thin cyber thread. Balancing on this thin wire, falling in love and loosing my heart, disapointment hits over and over. Is this all still worth it?

Twitter time is allso very different from reallife time. Minutes feel weeks, weeks feel years and a month like a decade. If you spend time in twitter its like in dogyears. It has been about 3 and half months I have been here but it seems so much longer. I don’t understand how that is possible. It leaves me confused, amazed and a bit scared. How long will it take untill I am feeling like I can be put in a senior citizen retiring home?

Will I find you before my time is up? I am grieving because you are not in my life and when I am going through all the stages I think I am entering the anger stage. What the fuck were you thinking of and leaving me here alone. There are things I want to throw to your head and all I can think of saying now is “WHY!!!????”

you left me with this.

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Fading memories

A few days ago it dawned on me that my wonderful phone can be used for taking pictures of real pictures like the ones made in my childhood with not a digital camera. I have just a few pictures of when I was a child. Many were lost because I ran away from my home when I was 15 years old, and getting my stuff back after that was not easy. The ones I managed to rescue are now fading slowly in an album, collecting dust up in the storage room. Until now they are memories of a troublesome childhood anyways, but the older I get I just want to keep something alive and going digital it is.

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The amount of babypictures I have of me is ridiculous compared to the amount I have of my son. Times have changed a lot I think of, when I reminisce over my fading photographs

What not has changed is my ambition to achieve the highest of my capability, choose the most difficult paths there is to take, to venture where mere mortals would have given up and succeed. Always wanting to be number one. Here is me being first violinist at age nine.

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Setting goals, achieving my dreams have been a wonderful and amazing high, giving me undescribable sense of being. Even if it were just sort of unimportant things like learning to ride a horse. There are things I can take off my bucketlist. As I get older this list gets longer. There is still so much I want to do but the time to do it in gets shorter.

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As a twelve year old I could not possibly comprehend what life would bring me. I look into those eyes of mine at that age in this picture and I already see so much grief and pain. And then I have experienced so little of what is to come, but perhaps I knew the road ahead would be a difficult one. Though I could not have imagined the things that would come my way.

So at the age of 36 what do I think I know now? What is still to come? So much more to see and learn. I still feel so much like that twelve year old girl. So unsure if she belongs here, so alone and afraid, bruised and abused, but alive and will still keep on fighting until her time is up and until she will have achieved her endgoal.

So here we are, not quite in heaven

No, this is not the end. On these few words we build our magic. When its hardest to see, when all is fading and clouding our judgement, hold on to a little piece of that memory, that first moment we made contact. That instant struck by lightning sensation, that was real. We both felt it and I choose not to forget. All that followed was nonsence and made me so confused I don’t know what way is up anymore. An image comes to mind from my youth. Everything has crumbled, all is faded into nothingness, all that is left of Fantasia lies like a brilliant speck of bright light in the hands of the childlike empress and she whispers “please Bastian, make a wish or Fantasia is doomed and will disapear completely.” Or something like that so I went on IMDB for more information. No need to rely on memory anymore.

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Atreyu: What will happen if he doesn’t appear?
The Childlike Empress: [sadly] Then our world will disappear – and so will I.
Atreyu: How could he let that happen?
The Childlike Empress: He doesn’t understand that he’s the one who has the power to stop it. He simply can’t imagine that one little boy could be that important.
Bastian: Is it really me?
Atreyu: Maybe he doesn’t know what he has to do!
Bastian: [shouts] What DO I have to do?
The Childlike Empress: He has to give me a new name. He’s already chosen it. He just has to call it out.

Sometimes the obvious choice is not the most clearest of paths, it is messy and difficult. Reaching heaven and bliss will come at a price, some are not willing to pay. There is no question in my mind that you do have what it takes, you just have to call out to me.

Closing my eyes and making a wish…

Will you remember?

# Day 14

Perhaps unnoticed but I have been counting the days since October the 15th up until the date we have agreed upon. It will take in total 113 days until the 5th of february. For every day that goes by I choose a song which lyrics have special meaning to me, or that I just like. I post it on my Time Line in twitter. Hoping you get to see it. Since last friday you got suspended and are not there in your previous account anymore, do not even want to know if you have other accounts. If so, you have not contacted me. But I suspect the virtual world as luring as it can be, allso has its downside. I know it just too well. I tried to leave you many times before but somehow I cannot. Neither can you let me go. So we are in limbo. Half of you wants to jump in and say yes, other half is in denial, yes in DENIAL. Lets just say we do not see eye to eye on this one, so I leave it be. Not something I can do lightly. I feel if there is even the slightest chance we could be amazing together and that there is this magic between us, you must take that chance, even if you cannot see how it will workout. Maybe I have more confidence in us. Maybe I trust whats in my heart more then you do. Because I know that your heart is saying the same as mine but you think that is just a crazy idea. You told me that. So I decided to write about it, to give it a place where it can make sense. Does that make any sense? Anyone reading this will think this blog does not make any sense, what is she talking about??? You do not make any sense. I obviously mean something to you but all the signs, all your actions speak against you. Are against us, so why keep holding on? I am affraid you will let go and move on, forget about me. February the 5th will go by and it will be just the most horrible birthday I can imagine now. The day that remembers me of our agreement, the one that you will have forgotten by then. Because that is what men do. They forget important dates…

To @GaryCSilvers

This song came to mind as I play the part of Dulcinea in twitterdom. In reality I am not as harsh and beaten down by life, yet. Though I fear if we talk in a few more years, I will be.

Reading about your thoughts and feelings, one can’t but wonder you are like the man who is the portrayer of this song. Singing his song, blurring reality and creating a vision of his own.

I have dreamed thee too long,
Never seen thee or touched thee.
But known thee with all of my heart.
Half a prayer, half a song,
Thou hast always been with me,
Though we have been always apart.

Dulcinea… Dulcinea…
I see heaven when I see thee, Dulcinea,
And thy name is like a prayer
An angel whispers… Dulcinea… Dulcinea!

We are both fighting with demons and dragons disguised as windmills. The wish to find the one that will somehow fill that piece we miss in our soul, that true conviction that person is out there, even trying to find him/her by venturing the slippery slopes of twitter and into the gates of purgatory. Chasing images, seduced by siren songs of cowboys and angels, forging friendships truly dear to us by means of just one click away. It is a wonderful fantasy world where we can be just about anybody but wanting it to be real.

I am Dulcenea, just a common whore. Wearing the same dress, working every day towards a dream that one day I can be free. Dreaming to find my Don, the one that can look past my sins and facade. The one who will love me for me. Batteling fearless for me. Slaying my demons and dragons just for a promised kiss. The one who will be with me and knows without any doubt in his heart that I am his, and he is mine.

Man of La Mancha, where are you?

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Food destinations

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Creating new dishes, experiencing new flavours, designing my food is what I do best and love the most. It gives me no heartache and it brings me the most satisfaction. Eventhough my relationship with food has not always been a healthy one, it is the one lover who has stuck by me through thick and thin, so to speak.

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A goal of mine is to go on foodtrips. I call it my food destination list. I am currently making this list. Feel free to comment and leave a reply for suggestions. Its still in the making.

#1 London – UK (feb 2013)
#2 Vietnam
#3 Thailand
#4 Australia
#5 Japan
#6 USA
#7 ?

Designing new dishes and putting something new on a plate is my art. I like to create fushion dishes as well taking classical combinations and twisting them in a form I want to present them in as if it is my own. Going on my food destinations will certainly help in my quest for more food knowledge. There is so much to learn and experience, and so it will begin.

The most pleasure is when I can stick my hands into food and feel the basic ingredients flow through my fingers, touch it, mold it, cut it into nice tiny brunoise, taking and loving each component and making something that will taste wonderful. Bring a smile on someones face making them moan of deep satisfaction, that is my ultimate goal and purpose in this life.

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