Dear mister X,
So it took me quite a while to write this. It has been in the making since july the 31st. The day I saw a glimpse of what you could be like. Or differently said how I always pictured you to look like. Long dark hair, radiant smile that can melt my heart instantly. Bright loving eyes and a body like a greek God. Yes you existed and you were even nice to me. You told me love is beautiful and I loved everything about you, but not the fact that you did not love me back. Our connection was brief and only online and so it began snowballing from there. I do not regret going online and following you on facebook and then twitter. It changed my life and I do not know it changed for the better. I just went on twitter to get a glimpse of you, read what you were saying. Never did I intend to meet a second someone to fill the void again and I started to compose my ‘composite man’ in cyberlife. I am such a romantic sucker at heart, still believing in true love and storybook romance. Would it not be utterly romantic and yet so tragic to find you here?
This second man is a poet and writes stunningly beautiful and romantic words. I was so overwhelmed by how his words made me feel. At first I just retweeted his poems and commented on how I loved it so much. He contacted me and we started talking. This twitter connection was something I was new to and it confused me but in the end he is now one of my closest friends here. He became a constant friend who I can reach with the ease of a short message everyday a goodmorning and a goodnight wish. It fills my heart with joy to hear from him even if its just a few words and only online.
Again I was so naive and was approached by what they call a twitter celebrity and another poet, it seemed. Our contact was intense and hit us both like a lightningstrike. As hot and devastating that flash of lightning was, it left me burned to the ground and it was over in what looks like it in just seconds. Not intensionally I again lost my heart to a man I never met in reallife or ever will. I never really knew who he truly was but it felt real and it felt intense to me. And I knew in my heart I belonged to him because he marked my soul. I suspected him to be you. My one, I truly hoped him to be you. Perhaps he could still be.
When he withdrew my composite man was taking on more components. Nice talking everyday to a cyberconnection who answered back and who tells me stories and is so versital because of he exists out of a few men. I crave his attention, his words and funny anecdotes. He makes me feel wanted, appreciated, sexy, worthwhile to be with, intelligent, funny and special. All the things I tell myself I am not in real life because of stupid insecurities and a bad childhood.
I understand that living up to ones ideal of a perfect man is too much for one person. Internet and twitter have made it so much easier now to compose the perfect guy and to interact with you like you truly exist. Its amazing but terrible at the same time. Especially everytime I have to say goodbye to you and when realisation hits me hard knowing you do not truly love me back and I actually not really know the person on the other side of this thin cyber thread. Balancing on this thin wire, falling in love and loosing my heart, disapointment hits over and over. Is this all still worth it?
Twitter time is allso very different from reallife time. Minutes feel weeks, weeks feel years and a month like a decade. If you spend time in twitter its like in dogyears. It has been about 3 and half months I have been here but it seems so much longer. I don’t understand how that is possible. It leaves me confused, amazed and a bit scared. How long will it take untill I am feeling like I can be put in a senior citizen retiring home?
Will I find you before my time is up? I am grieving because you are not in my life and when I am going through all the stages I think I am entering the anger stage. What the fuck were you thinking of and leaving me here alone. There are things I want to throw to your head and all I can think of saying now is “WHY!!!????”
you left me with this.